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Friday, April 1st, 2011

Subject:Been a REALLY long time.
Time:2:14 pm.
I don't even know if anyone even has this shit any more, but I need to vent, and I don't feel like letting the whole world know whats going on due to facebook.

A lot's happened in the last few years.
My dad passed away Jan. 29th 2009.
It feels like its been eon's since I've seen his face.
I'm back in Arizona again.
Been out here since July of 2009.

I honestly don't know why I ever left, going back to Ohio/Pennsylvania set me back like 3 years.
Although it was great to see all of my friends, I came back to take care of my Dad.
And I knew that after he passed away that I'd come back to the desert.
It suits me well.

I've finally met someone who I feel I can move forward with, but my past keeps haunting me.
Its something insignificant I guess. But it bothers me that she still talks to her ex boyfriends.
I don't talk to any of my ex-girlfriends, or make plans to see them.
But she claims that they are her, "Best friends.."
I just wish that she knew how many times I've heard that.
How many times I've been left for Ex-Boyfriends.

I guess, my past has scarred me deeper than I thought imaginable.
I've left so many girls in the dust because I was terrified that they were going to hurt me.
I've never really taken the time to work things out, and this is all foreign to me now.
And it gets me frustrated so easily. I've got the idea stuck in my head that everyones out to get me.
It seems like its been that way since Kat left me two weeks after my Dad passed away, and I'm having a hard time shaking it.

I hate the fact that I can't form the words with my own mouth, I have to type them out in order to decipher whats bouncing around in my brain. I get flustered when we get into a disagreement about something and just lose it. I start blurting out random hurtful things, I raise my voice, and everything just goes in one ear and out the other...

I'm trying though...
I really am...
Comments: Read 1 orAdd Your Own.

Sunday, April 27th, 2008

Subject:Yesterday was a fucked day...
Time:1:49 pm.
Mood: distressed.
I was up for more than 24 hours... I just couldn't sleep...

I almost lost my job... They pulled me into the office and told me that if it wasn't for my manager I wouldn't have a job... My manager stood up for me and said that nothing would get done in the hot foods department if it wasn't for me, and that they need me... I was late, like I was supposed to be there at 10 until 3, and I misread my schedule and I didn't show up until 1 assuming I was working until 9... The head manager of the store told me that this is my last chance. So I worked two hours and decided that I needed to walk home to clear my head...

Well on my way home a dog started following me... It was the wierdest dog I had ever seen... It looked like a weimaraner chocolate lab mix... Well it turned out that it was a Silver Lab. I didn't even know a such thing existed.
But because of the dog, I ended up meeting a tattoo artist that's basically trained just about every tattoo artist that I know of in the area. His registration tag was all chewed up and he didn't have a name tag... So I dubbed him "Chance" because I was giving him a second chance. I ended up borrowing a leash off of him while he was remodeling a house for someone. So I took the dog home afraid that he was going to get hit or something... Everyone that was walking home stopped me on the way home to say what a beautiful dog he was. I definately agree and I really want one now... but they're $1,500 or more... I didn't wanna keep him in the house because I didn't know how long he had been stray and I didn't wanna wake up with flea's. So I kept him out in the club house. He ended up chewing up the rug that I gave him. Well I have to work today, so I figured I'd get Riley to take me up the hardware store to get him a chain so that I could tie him out while I was at work... Well just as we got to the hardware store the owners called and told me that they had been looking for their dog for over 24 Hours. So we brought him back... Turns out his name was Bullet and he was only a 10 month old puppy... Here's a picture of him...


They said they were going to send me something as a reward for finding him.
I've decided that since my bank ripped me off, that if it's a money reward, I'm going to donate my reward to the CF Walk coming up on May 17th.
Comments: Read 3 orAdd Your Own.

Friday, April 25th, 2008

Time:2:42 am.
Mood: crappy.
Welp. I'm pretty drunk right now... I went up to the bar with Kina and Jiggy... Don't really remember how much I had to drink... But I'm pretty buzzed... Met a bunch of people... Played a few games of pool... Drank a bunch of alcohol...

Today's been a pretty good day... Except for the fact that I've been pretty down in the dumps all day for no specific reason...

Basically... I feel that I'm interfering in a bunch of people's lives... I feel like I'm making more problems for them then necessary... But that's typical of me... I always make things harder and more complicated for people...

As of right now... Basically all of my ex's want me back... But all of them are with other people... So I feel like I'm just preventing them from being happy... I feel like since I'm in the picture I'm just an extra option that's making things harder for them... I feel that I'm never wanted when someone is single... That they only realize they want me when there with someone else because I'm the other option... That as always, I'm nothing more than a rebound... Just someone to make them feel better... Someone that makes everyone happy temporarily, and then they move on leaving me behind in the dust... I'm tired of it... I want to be wanted for who I am... For the being that I am... Not just beacause, "I'm good in bed..." Not just because, "I'm attractive..." Not just because, "I'm funny and I make people feel better about themselves..."

The only thing that's really been able to make me happy lately is the comfort that I find at the bottom of a bottle... It seem's like an accomplishment... Some kind of short term goal... Something that I can achieve since I can't seem to complete anything else... Since I can't seem to keep people satisfied more than a few months... I mean... There's gotta be something wrong with me if I have a history of my girlfriends cheating on me... There's gotta be something wrong with me... Something that noone is telling me about... I just wish I knew what it was about me that make's me undesirable... What make's people leave me for other's...? What make's people just forget about me...?"

Do I not exist to other people..? Do I not make a difference in people's lives..? It seem's that everyone just forgets about me... That I'm the person everyone come's to as a last resort... That I'm who everyone come's too when they have nothing left... Why they come to me, I'm really not sure... I just don't know...

I'm kinda giving up hope... I don't really see a point in fighting my hardest anymore... I think I'm just gonna sit around until money just starts coming my way...

I need to find a better job.. This Giant Eagle shit is for the birds... It's bull that I'm the only guy in the department and everyone take's advantage of that... They think that I'm going to do everything by myself... They think that I can basically run the department by myself... What are they going to do when I find another job...? I'm basically the only reason that our department passes each health inspection... They schedule me mad hours before the health inspections too make sure that we'll pass the inspections...

I had a wierd nightmare last night... It was a first person dream... That I was seeing everything through either my eye's or the eyes of another... I saw that everyone close too me was mutilated to death or damn near close to death... people's mouth's were sewn shut, people's limbs were severed, and others were dead laying around with major organs missing from their bodies... Almost as if I had killed everyone... Almost as if all I do is hurt people...

I really don't know anymore... I'm going to sleep before I have a mental break down because I'm thinking about too much... Wishing thing's had turned out differently....

Comments: Add Your Own.

Friday, April 18th, 2008

Time:11:23 am.
Mood: confused.
Welp. My car broke down last night and it could be one of three things:

-Fuel Filter
-Fuel Pump
-Ignition Problem

I was driving down the road and went to accelerate, but realized that I wasn't accelerating at all. I coasted the car to the side of the road and had to fight traffic to push it across the road into a nearby parking lot. Upon trying to restart it, it just kept turning over. Figured SOMEHOW that my gas gauge that was reading a fourth of a tank was failing and I could possibly be out of gas. So I walked up to the gas station and bought a gallon tank and threw a couple bucks in the tank. Put the gas in the car and attempted at restarting it again. It'd start for like half a second and then just continue turning over. I tried giving it a little throttle while I was trying to start it also. So I now figured it was the fuel pump. I crawled under my car and proceeded to bang on my tank like a mad lunatic hoping that it'd free the clog from the pump. That didn't work, so I called my insurance agency. HOLY HELL I NEVER THOUGHT THEY'D ACTUALLY BE USEFUL!!! (To be honest I thought that car insurance was just a huge waste of money.) But they finally came out and got my car and I and took me back home. So now my car sits in my driveway, and I'm perplexed as to what's wrong with it. I called around and tried to find a fuel pump for it, but the cheapest one I've found so far is $150.

If you think you might have an idea whats wrong with it gimme a call or send me a text. 440-645-5660. I'd REALLY appreciate it.

Comments: Add Your Own.

Sunday, June 10th, 2007

Time:12:44 am.
Lately, I've gotten rather sick of everything.

I've lost my appetite for food. I nit-pick here and there at food.
I don't really have a taste for food. I'm slowly slipping back into depression again, and I have no clue as to why. I just can't seem to keep myself happy for more than the hour or so a day total that I get.

I've been drinking quite a lot lately, it just kinda makes everything go away for a few hours. It lets me get away from the never ending processes, and envisions of my future that my brain produces. I know, "You shouldn't drink to get away from your problems. That's abuse." Well, it's not like I'm constantly drunk. Its like 2 nights a week. It only used to be like 1 time every two months, but none the less that's a lot more than I have in the past.
I was your typical stoner. I smoked weed, well, because it made me happy. It balanced me out and kept me in a constant good mood. But I stay away from that stuff now. I don't want to seem like a bad influence on my little brother that is in rehab now because he basically did the same thing. I'm going to be giving up drinking and smoking soon too.

Then I'm really gonna be in a dark hole for a while.
I don't feel like I have a life anymore.
My friends and stuff are out having fun.
I got invited to like 4 parties today by old friends that I used to hang out with on a weekly if not daily basis at Geneva on the Lake, Ohio. But I passed.
I was spending time with family.

But it made me think,
"All you do is work, play video games, sleep, and get drunk."

I used to be one of those people that was ALWAYS doing something. But hell anymore it doesn't even seem like I have time. Yet I'm doing less than I used to do. I need to find a source of release, I need to find a way to just take all of this away.

I think that I broke my sisters fiance's nose tonight.
I was outside of the mall while my dad and sister were eating at panda express, and Eric was outside talking to me while I was smoking a cigarette. He wised off about how rough his life is, and how he wishes that someone else could experience his life. That's all I've heard this weekend. How I, myself, don't know what a rough life is. He said, "You try putting up with your bitchy pregnant sister everyday." And in return I replied, "Well maybe you should have been using birth control or a condom. You got her pregnant, now you have to deal with it. If you think that it's a mistake well it's a little too late for that now." He smarted off and said, "It's never too late for anything." I hauled off and slammed him good in the face knocking his ass right on his kiester(sp?). All I've got to say is that if he leaves my sister hanging while she's pregnant, I will hunt his ass down and I will murder him. It's not like I care anyways, I really don't give a shit if I rot in a prison anymore, noone is going to get my sister pregnant and then leave my sister. Fuck no. I will splay his guts out all over the place and make him feel the pain that she felt for 9 months all at the same time.


I guess my dad is doing better now. He seemed to be pretty chipper about me being there. Rofl, he made me coffee this morning and yesterday morning too. It's pretty cool waking up to a cup of coffee made to exactly how you drink it... I miss living with him. I miss it just being me and him, getting along harmoniously exactly how it should be, we never fought, we never argued... I really miss him, and I'm actually on the verge of tears right now... I kinda feel horrible for abandoning him like I basically did 1 year and a half ago. I hope to get my own place soon and I can move him in and get him away from amy and eric and make sure that he's actually being taken care of instead of doing all the shit that he shouldn't be because Eric is too fucking lazy to do anything. He's too fucking lazy to even get a job, and he's got a child on the way...

Alright... I'm getting off of here... I need to avoid this damned journal.
Comments: Add Your Own.

Tuesday, May 8th, 2007

Subject:Well. It's been a while.
Time:3:06 pm.
Mood: sick.

Yeah, it's been quite a while. Yes, I'm still alive. I've just kinda realized that I'm not going to let people know everything about my life anymore. I think that all of us should live personal lives, that noone really needs to know about. Plus it's not really like anyone really reads my posts anyways. I feel like posting just kinda wastes my time, but I figured, "Hey, I've got an hour to kill before I've gotta goto work... And nothing to do, why not let everyone know how your doing?"

Well to be honest, I'm doing pretty shitty today. I'm sick as all hell, I've got some kind of respritory infection, or my sinuses are just draining like MASSIVELY. I haven't determined which, but the phlem that I keep coughing up is like either really bright green or like a browninsh green sometimes even just brown... It's pretty fucking disgusting, and I've still gotta work. 4:30 - 8:30... It's only 4 hours, but it's gonna be 4 hours of torture. But other than that I've been at my job for almost a month and a half now, and I really like it... I think that I like mornings more than closing. But I've only worked one night so far, tonight will be my second night...

I've come to realize that I still have feelings for Kina, but at the same time, I realize that even though I have feeling for someone, that it doesn't mean that I have to be with them. To be totally honest, Kina and I make a horrible couple. We're constantly bulldogging each other, or nit picking at eachother for stupid little things, and that just doesn't make for a good relationship. Plus, I don't even know what her meds are and when she has to take them or how to treat her when she show's certain symptoms.

At the same time, I've found out that my old ex-girlfriend Willow has feeling for me. She lives like 3 hours away, I plan on going up visit her soon. She was probably the first person that I actually had real feeling for... And I still do. I don't plan on up and moving like I usually do. I plan on just going up for visits every other month or so, whenever the oppurtunity presents itself.

GALLY  : I haven't forgotten about you and I've got $150 save up so far. So, I'm still saving up for that ticket. I still promise that I'm going to visit. It's just taking longer than expected. Sorry that it's taking so long. But I am a being of my word, and I promised you that I would visit you, so I still plan on visiting you... I though I read something about you moving? Where are you going to be moving to? I haven't really seen you online, so I haven't really had the chance to talk to you... Get back to me please.

Well. I'm off to eat dinner than to head to work.
Take care everyone.

Comments: Add Your Own.

Wednesday, April 18th, 2007

Time:9:54 pm.
I will no longer be posting in this journal any longer. I'm just keeping it to check up on my friends and such.
Comments: Add Your Own.

Friday, April 13th, 2007

Subject:Video of the Day
Time:10:22 pm.

Dry Cell - Body Crumbles

Finally recover when the mood is right
Looking up into a neon sky
Child in me takes over, guess it's been too long
Since the last time that I tried to fly


Finally I find when I lose control
Inside my body crumbles
It's like therapy for my broken soul
Inside my body crumbles

All I need's a moment, chance to get away
From the stressfulness of every day
Know if I don't question and I never doubt
Everything is gonna be okay

Finally I find when I lose control
Inside my body crumbles
It's like therapy for my broken soul
Inside my body crumbles

I dont know if ill be alright
Insecure would be my sign
I dont know if ill be alright
I'll never have to hide
I dont know if ill be alright
Try to live right
I dont know if ill be alright
Now I know its alright

Finally I find when I lose control
Inside my body crumbles
It's like therapy for my broken soul
Inside my body

Finally I find when I lose control
Inside my body crumbles
It's like therapy for my broken soul
Inside my body crumbles
Comments: Add Your Own.

Subject:The Conclusion of the Day
Time:9:58 pm.
Mood: depressed.
Well, today went rather well I supose. Work went by rather quickly, I had a fun day needless to say. The people I work with are pretty awesome...

But for some reason my day went to shit... Later on after I got home from work, I suddenly became depressed for no particular reason... And as always when I get depressed, I get lonely... And when I get lonely, I start to think negatively about myself and relationships furthuring my depression... I know exactly how everything works with me... But I can't prevent it... I just have this over-bearing feeling that I'm always going to be alone... Even when I'm with someone anymore... I feel alone... I don't feel the emotional attachments that I used to feel, all I feel is lust anymore... I've become too big headed, and too prideful for my own good, but yet at the same time, I love who I am... Who I am has gotten me really fucking far in the last year... But I have a feeling that it's not going to work anymore, I have a feeling that it's not going to do anything but cause problems for myself if I continue on with the same personality characteristics that I express now... I need to change... But I hate change... I don't know how to change myself... It just kinda happens... I think that my biggest problem right now, is that I don't really have motivation for anything... I don't have something to aim for, or someone to impress, so I'm in a slump... I don't have a reason to be at my best so I don't really express my best side, I just show the side that I need to show just to get by... I used to preach, and scream and shout at the top of my lungs, "FUCK LOVE!" But now I realize that it's really lonely... I now realize that I want someone to comfort me, someone to be there for me and to be there for them.

Kina today told me, "See theres plenty of other fish in the sea..."
I responded, "Yeah, theres millions, but how many are considered a good catch?"

I'm going to bed, I've gotta be up at 6:30 tomorrow morning.

Comments: Read 1 orAdd Your Own.

Subject:First Day of Work II
Time:6:33 am.
Mood: Too Early In the Morning.
Well... Haha. Second time I've said this in like the last month or so but. I start work today.
I'm working at Giant Eagle making 6.35 an hour in Prepared Foods. Incase none of you know what Giant Eagle is, its a Supermarket, or a Giant Grocery Store and such. I make all of the premade food, you know the stuff that you buy, take home and say, "I spent the entire day making this!" And then your guest finds the packaging in the garbage. Haha I'm kidding, but yeah. I make all of the premade food... Its a step down from my other jobs, and such, but it's within walking distance, and its giving me pretty decent hours. Not to mention that I get paid weekly... So after all, it's not really that bad of a job...

I see that most of my friends are in a slump lately...
Gally I know what your going through, and eventually you'll find someone...
You just need to hold on, your special someone will come to you eventually...
The same goes for you too Mizz, you are both awesome girls, and you'll both find the person that your meant to be with... I know that it seems like you're never going to be with someone again, but you will... Your both awesome people, and you're both good looking, you shouldn't have any problems finding someone. Maybe your just approaching it from the wrong angle?

Too all of my friends, I care about you all and if you ever need any help, don't be afraid to send me a message if you need help...

Via Myspace: http://myspace.com/fallencrow
Via E-Mail: xgorvoxomegax@gmail.com
Via AIM: Gorvo Omega

I'm gonna be pretty busy due to my new job, HOPEFULLY, because I really need the hours. I really need the money. But don't be shy... if you wanna talk don't be afraid to send me a message. I'm great at helping people with their problems...

But I'm off to fiddle faddle around the house before I goto work,

Comments: Add Your Own.

Wednesday, April 11th, 2007

Subject:Home Again.
Time:11:42 pm.
Mood: calm.
So I'm back home again... Finally back in a house with food, back in a house that is clean... Back in a house were people, although we may argue and scream from time to time, are civilized...

I've had quite the weekend... My dad came and picked me up, we went to wal-mart out here, bought new speakers and such for his truck that I was repairing... Well, I had to rebuild the entire engine, from the block up. Thank god for carborated engines. I hate the new fuel injection technology and all of the crazy ass color coded wires that are attached to it. Well when we were pulling the truck up onto the lift... (Yes thank god that the garage that I work in has a full stock car garage set up -- complete with hydraulic 15 foot lift!!!!) ...The brake lines decided to both go and start pissing brake fluid everywhere... Well I got the engine rebuilt, that night, but inorder for the truck to be drivable, I had to repair the brake lines after we got back from my sisters on monday. (I'll get to that later.) Well we fixed the brake lines, then we had a whole wiring nightmare, not to mention that the fuel pump was acting up and we had to pull that... I ALSO LOST MY BANDANA... The Oxygen/Aceteline cutting torches that my dad was using, got a little too close to my bandana, and almost fried my hair off... Thank god that it only burned the top layer of the bandana... I REALLY would have freaked if I lost anymore hair that I've already cut off... But anyways... Back to the story, we get the truck, "Complete," and decide to take it up to wal-mart for a test run... Well it gets to wal-mart fine, impressed we turned off the truck and went into wal-mart. We get our assortment of things, some chips, beer, and such and then return to the truck... It fires up like a beauty. I almost wanted to cry when it turned over and started no problem... Well... that was until my dad put it into gear and it didn't do anything but rev... The new engine was too powerful for the old rickety transmission and melted the gears together... Woo-Fucking-Hoo... I was working on that all day today until my dad had to take me home... Keep in mind, that this is a 4-Wheel Drive 3/4 Ton Dodge Ram Pick-Up truck from like the 70's.

I didn't get to work on my truck... But I got to look at it from a distance... It's white... I think... I don't really know I was too busy to look at it.

So I saw my sister for like the first time in what I have come to believe almost 2 years... It turns out that she had a bunch of shit that I let her borrow WAYYYY back... Haha, like my old Pentacle, and my old Hoodie. Yay for old school slipknot hoodies. You who have enough balls to say that you are still a slipknot fan, I applaud you, because it seems that everyone hate them now, hate them and anyone involved with them. But thats beside the point... My sister and Eric (Her Fiance) can really fucking go at it... I mean they were in each others faces screaming at each other... I was like, "HOLY FUCK MAN, I thought Kina and my screaming bouts were engaging!" But besides them fighting we all seemed to get along really well... I logged massive hours on Guitar Hero II...

Lemme tell you.

Playstation + Old Skool Big Screen TV + Hours of Guitar Hero II = DEATH OF THE EYES!!!!
I had played so much guitar hero that I think I totally forgot to blink, and like my eyes were totally dried out. It fucking hurt, I'd have to quit playing like every 30 minutes or so. It was crazy... Made me fee like a total newb at video games...

But thats what I've been up to since Friday...

Tomorrow, or should I rather say today, since my clock now reads 11:59 PM. I have an orientation at Giant Eagle. Yay for watching the same Sexual Harrasment Videos, and Saftey Videos that I've seen millions and millions of times before... Oi Vey...

I started writing poetry again, but I'm not sure whether thats a good thing or not seeing as I can only seem to write depressing morbid, self mutilation, deathly depressing shit... But hey, atleast I write about it instead of actually doing it...
I started drawing again too... But not the way that all of my other friends draw...

All I can draw is people, and such like that....

I'm worried about Kina... She's really taking whats happening with Kitty really hard... But it's understandable... I just wish that there was something that I could do to cheer her up... Some kind of way of lifting up her spirits... I kinda know what she's going through... But I wasn't FOR SURE that it was going to happen... Kina... I wish there was something I could do for you, if you need ANYTHING please ask me, I'd be more than happy to help. I know I've already told you this in person, but maybe it'll take a few times before you actually believe me that I wanna help or something haha. But no, seriously, I am here for you, and I always will be. Talk to me, it makes me feel special. <3

So I've learned that there is a backstabbing bastard among my friends... Someone who is taking advantage of his position... Just you wait... Just. You. Wait. =] I will get you all kinds of mentally fucked up, you little backstabbing rat. You've been busy the last year, but now I'm on to you. Just. You. Wait. I. Will. Destroy. You.

But anyways.
Take Care Everyone.
Comments: Add Your Own.

Thursday, April 5th, 2007

Time:12:40 am.
Mood: pissed off.
This is the only decent video I could find of this song... Don't you hate that?

Slipknot - Surfacing


Running out of ways to run
I can't see, I can't be
Over and over and under my skin
All this attention is DOING ME IN!


Picking through the parts exposed
Taking shape, taking shag
Over and over and under my skin

and don't you fuckin' Touch me

You got all my love, livin' in your own hate
Drippin' hole man, hard step, no fate
Show you nuthin', but I ain't holdin' back
Every damn word I say is a sneak attack
When I get my hands on you
Ain't a fucking thing you can do
Get this cuz you're never gonna get me
I am the very disease you pretend to be

I am the push that makes you move (x4)

Comments: Add Your Own.

Wednesday, April 4th, 2007

Time:11:24 am.
Mood: indescribable.
Hmm... I don't really know whats going on right now other than being quite busy lately...

Progress will be made on Fighting to Breathe soon. There's a lot of work ahead of us... Yes I said us. I finally realized that I'm not going to be able to work on this site all by my own... I extended the olive branch to George or Wolfwood or Elijah, whatever his name is haha. I'm hoping that he accepts the truce, but this is what the plans for the site are:

-New Forums, Completely customized for Fighting To Breathe Purposes and Specs.

-The New Layout is up, check it out: http://www.fightingtobreathe.com

-We're trying to find a doctor specialized in Cystic Fibrosis that will offer help and provide answers to those that have questions about the illness.

-We're going to be looking for moderators for the Forums, specifically people that Kina and I know and trust.

-We're also going to be providing information about the illness, we're going to provide any updates on research about the illness.

-We're going to be throwing fundraisers to donate to charities and benefits for people that are in need of money due to hospital visits and medical bills.

Thats about it for Fighting to Breathe...

I'm considering closing down RivitGrrls... I don't see it going anywhere, nor do I really have the time to run the site, take photos, search for models, or anything of the sort... But we shall see...

I'm backing off my idea about going to the military, I'm needed here... Theres stuff that I need to take care of here at home rather than going off to foreign lands and fighting a war... Maybe in the future I'll enlist... I don't know... Only the future can tell me this.

I'm gonna be pretty busy this week. Josh's truck is messed up again, yesterday we thought that we just had to replace the front passenger brake rotor, but as any good mechanic knows, the problems just stack up when your trying to fix something. It turns out that we're going to have to rip off the entire spindle and replace it... This basically means that the whole passenger side tire assembly is going to be replaced. All except the brake caliper. New Spindle, New Rotor, New Bearings. But that just starts all of the mechanical work I have to do this week. I'm going to be going out to my God Fathers house, and completely rebuilding my dads engine by myself. Literally the entire thing. I've gotta tear it down to the block, and rebuild it. On top of that I have to replace all of the brakes on my truck... All of this needs to be done by friday... Yee-Fucking-Haa. Oh well. I'm getting my truck out of doing it. But I've been waiting.  Almost two months to do this... Now I'm pushed to my limits to meet a deadline I'm almost sure that I'm not going to be able to meet... 

I've been up since 6 this morning. Some Idiot decided that it would be cute to try and break into the house. Well. Let me rephrase this, Break into the house. He didn't get far, due to Kina being awake and on the computer, but I had a nice run trying to hunt him down and find him... We didn't find him, but I've got a feeling that he's going to try and attempt again. So I'll be sleeping on the couch inside the door waiting for him with  Lou Slugger. Heh. I've played 5 years of baseball, if he does manage to get in again, he's not gonna have a head left.
Comments: Add Your Own.

Tuesday, April 3rd, 2007

Subject:Video of the day
Time:1:04 pm.

Lamb of God - Ruin
The knowledge that seeking the favor of another
Means the murder of self.
This is the resolution
The end of all progress
The death of evolution
It bleeds all life away.
Silence speeds the path to the streams of solace that run so few and narrow.
Brooks that babble the sounds of torture.
You will one day rise
To flood the banks of the chosen.
This is the art of ruin.
This is the resolution
The end of all progress
The death of evolution
It bleeds all life away.
I will show you all that I have mastered
Fear. Pain. Hatred. Power.
This is the art of ruin.

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Sunday, April 1st, 2007

Time:2:31 pm.

I'm really thinking about joining the military... I've been thinking about it on and off for the last year or so... I don't really have anything going for me... So, why not? Dedicate a few years of my life to America... Get paid to kill people... Oh yeah, can't forget about seeing the world... But wait, I've already done that during my dads tour of duty... I'm thinking about going to the navy and going special forces, AKA: Navy SEALs. But first I need to get my G.E.D. first... Maybe I'll do that with the paycheck I get on thursday... Go take my G.E.D. and sign up for the service...

I'm seriously considering it... I don't see why not...

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Subject:So now I'm jobless again.
Time:11:20 am.
Mood: aggravated.

So I realized and was told that my job was a waste of time, a waste of money. So I quit, no I didn't call in to tell them that I quit, but what does it matter? I worked there for like 3 days, they wouldn't have given me a good reference anyways. McDonalds told me that they won't hire me because I worked there before and I quit so no mcdonalds across the country will hire me seeing as I quit without a two weeks notice. This shit is starting to piss me off. Like I said I always fuck myself over, and what's even worse, is that the people that told me to quit are ridiculing me now because I don't have a job. 

What the hell?
Tell me to do one thing, and then judge me against it? 
What the hell is up with that?

God I don't fucking know anymore. I don't know what to do. I'm considering going back after I pay my dues and such. There's nothing here for me... My family says that they're my family but they talk shit about me when I'm not around, or when they think that I"m sleeping.

I didn't/WON'T share my Jack Daniels with Kyle. I'm greedy about my Jack Daniels.
I didn't break Kina's wireless adapter, if you want the story about that ask her what happened.

I really don't feel welcome here, I clean up more than everyone but mom. I'm constantly picking up after everyone. Yeah I make my messes but I pick them up... If not right away, I do as soon as I remember that I left that mess there...

God I really fucked up this time... How the hell am I going to get out of the mess this time?

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Saturday, March 31st, 2007

Subject:God damn it.
Time:6:15 pm.
Mood: angry.

This always happens. I always screw myself over. God Damned Stupid Idiot. e.e

Found some old pictures today.... Yeah...
I hate having emotions. I hate feelings. WHAT THE HELL!!!
Fucking damnit.

Comments: Add Your Own.

Friday, March 30th, 2007

Time:8:28 am.
Mood: awake.
Well, I'm now officially 20 years old. Well I was 20 years old yesterday, but I didn't really feel like posting on my live journal. It feels kinda wierd, but not really all that different... I'm definately tired for like no apparent reason... I went to bed early I woke up at a decent time... Meh. I dunno.

I have a feeling that today is going to be a bad day, I don't know why. Kina said she thinks it's got something to do with my job. 

Josh's 16 year old hybrid has to be put down/has been put down today... She's gotten too old, and could barely move... Atleast she's in a better place. Now she's running through the meadows of the sky. Rest well pup... *howls*

But I'm off of here to go... I dunno do something...

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Tuesday, March 27th, 2007

Subject:Fuck Up.
Time:8:30 pm.
Mood: depressed.
I know thats all I am. Don't try to make me think otherwise. 

I'm a liar. I know I am. I started smoking again... Why? I don't know... Well, I just fucked up my chances of anything... Way to go Idiot. I fucking hate myself right now. I consider myself shit right now. I feel like a hypocritic imbosilic idiotic no good for nothing pile of fucking shit. Yeah. Thats what I am. Oh well. Thats all I do in my life is constantly fuck up. Hell I wasn't even suposed to be born! So I even fucked up by being born... And to be totally honest. I have no motivation to quit anymore either. I quit for one person, and I can't have that person, that person has chosen someone else. She may say she's waiting, but I know her better than that. Ever since that fight, she's chosen him... Oh well. I guess I fucked up for standing up for myself too. Wonder how long I'm gonna be single this time...? Fuck my-fucking-self. I hate myself. I despise myself. I'm an idiot. I'm a liar.

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Friday, March 23rd, 2007

Subject:I hate having to change for others...
Time:7:01 pm.
Mood: blah.
But some times its necessary... It's time to grow up and stop being a kid, its time to realize that I can't dress the way I want all the time, and look the way I want all the time... My manager made my cut my hair off... The one thing that I liked about myself, the one thing that I was proud about, I had to get rid of... My hair was the only thing that I cherished... Now its gone... I had to get rid of my security blanket... With my hair, I could just disappear by hiding my face behind my hair...

I really don't know whats going on right now, but my ulcers are freaking out right now... I'm gonna take a zantac, and hopefully it'll help... I've got so much going on in my mind right now but I can't even begin to sort out the thoughts that are racing around in circles. I'm begining to think about going to see a psychologist, maybe I need medication... I'm gonna see if they can't give me something to balance me out... Because I know something is fucked up in my head... Be it anti-depressant, or what ever... I really need it...
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